“Avoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. Avoid. Avoid.” — Unknown
My childhood has been a confusing mess to understand, even to me. I have a parent who I know loves me to the best of their ability, but their version isn’t good enough.
The problem with my parent is that they love me conditionally. The golden rule is that your parents are supposed to love you, be there for you, support you, and want the best for you no matter what. So when I first realized that type of relationship would never happen for me, I was shocked, confused, and then furious.
I am loved by my parent when I am completely obedient. Life was easy when I did what my parent wanted, said what they wanted, acted how they wanted, dressed how they wanted, and went to school for what they wanted. The moment I tried to find my voice or have an opposing opinion, I became “ungrateful, unreasonable, disappointing, a terrible human” and a slew of nasty names/terms to make me feel guilty and ashamed for thinking or wanting something differently. So I finally would just give in and agree to what they wanted, without ever receiving an apology for the things/names/ guilt trips that were said, to just make life bearable.
The problem is that I am now in my mid-2o’s and I’m terrified to make a decision for myself and feel like I am not good enough. I am fearful of humans, I trust no one, and I can’t even pick what to eat because I am conditioned that one choice I make, that might not be approved by someone else, will ruin their life. I spend life over-analyzing every decision and I’m terrified that if I make a mistake anyone that I care about will no longer love me. On paper, I am a “good human”. I had a 4.0 throughout college and grad school, I volunteered, held jobs, never been in trouble/never even received a speeding ticket, dependable for my family and friends, and I am obedient. I also feel like I will never be worthy of love.
Conditional love is cruel. Do not do it to your kids, do not do it to your partner, and do not do it to your friends. People will make choices you don’t like, love them anyways. You won’t understand why your kid wants to do certain things or acts certain ways, love them anyways. You partner may tell you after 35 years of marriage, they want shave their head and take a summer backpacking trip alone, love them anyways.
Your home and your family (blood or chosen) should be your safe place. I truly believe one of the worst things you can do is take away someone’s emotional safety. Because here we are, broken in plain sight.
–BrilliantlyAverage
Brilliantly Average 