Understanding Can Be Harmful.

“I understand. That’s the trouble. I understand. I’ll understand all the time. All day and night. Especially all night. I’ll understand. You don’t have to worry about that.” -Ernest Hemingway

In the spirit of being completely transparent, I am really just struggling emotionally. Being a human is hard. Being a human with feelings while also trying to process a global pandemic is hard. Being honest with your feelings to yourself and others is hard. Learning your boundaries and how to stand up for yourself against people you truly care about is hard. But just because it is hard does not mean it isn’t necessary.

To continue the spirit of being completely transparent, I got ghosted. I met this person, felt like I knew them forever, developed feelings too quickly, hung out frequently and talked all day/everyday, and then they just disappeared one day. And I was CRUSHED. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I did to make them leave, why I wasn’t good enough, and why I didn’t even get some kind of goodbye that I didn’t allow myself to grieve the hole in my heart from the hurt they caused me. Because they left, I felt like it must have been something about me and internalized all of that into even more self-hatred. So I didn’t need to grieve I thought, I just needed to change the horrible thing about me.

Fast forward about a year, and I actually came back into contact with this person again via phone call. We of course danced around the subject of ghosting, but one comment that was said stuck with me long after it was over. “I knew during the period that I disappeared that if I ever needed anything from you or needed something, you would be there no matter what, and that’s f***ed up.”

Wow. Talk about a punch straight to the stomach. I try to be understanding of people and their situations because it is what I want done for me. But that one line from someone I thought I really cared about was one of the biggest life lessons I’ve ever learned to date.

You can be an understanding person and still have a back bone. Being understanding does not mean you have to condone people hurting you or being okay with situations where you are not respected or treated with human decency. And finally, if you know you can take advantage of someone and them still be there to meet your needs, do better.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“I Want To Continue To Evolve.”

“I want to continue to evolve, learn always, stay humble and grateful for everything the universe so lovingly gives me. I don’t want to be stuck in toxic patterns or behaviors. I want to be fearless and I want to be trusting, put my past experiences and traumas to rest, no longer allow them to have hold or define me. I want to express my emotions and have my own voice to use and be heard. I want to listen to others and empathize with them while keeping boundaries that show my self and others respect and real love. I want to be seen and I want to see the people around me. I want to use my art to fuel and inspire myself and others. I want to be a joy giver and peace receiver. I want to reach my highest potential and bring my loved ones up along me. I want to love and be loved. I want to love and be loved. I want to love and be loved.”- Lauren Froderman

First off, let’s go ahead and state the obvious. I have been pretty absent from this blog for the past year. The irony is that I chose to write to share experiences about the hardships of  life and love and friendships and finding the positive in it all and yet I faced a terrible year and did the exact opposite.

I ran. I got my heart broken. I was betrayed by people I loved and lost friends as a result. My anxiety increased. I ran some more. I put on a front to the world that everything was fine when inside I was struggling. I let the darkness creep in. I ran some more. And then I finally let the darkness consume me.

Until I didn’t. About a week ago I woke up and decided that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t be this version of myself that I started to hate more and more as the days went. Everything isn’t going to change in a day. You are going to have some great days, some awful days, and some days in between. But I do know that I am starting to be inspired again, to start to see a little glimpse of a light, to start to get hope back.

So, I typically think New Years Resolutions are some cliche thing that people do and give up on with a couple of weeks. I don’t believe it needs to be a new year to change yourself, but what I do appreciate is that resolution inspire people to collectively set goals and believe in hope. “I will lose the weight.” “I will be more positive.” ” I won’t fall back into a toxic pattern.” You use the excuse of the new year to inspire you and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to express your desires. And that is what is magic.

What are three things you are hopeful to change/inspired to follow?

-BrilliantlyAverage

 

Do You Really Want Closure?

“Do you really “wanna get closure” or do you want an excuse to talk to him again in case he has had enough time to come up with the right words to say for you to settle?” – Unknown

Closure is such an interesting topic because the level of closure or type of closure needed varies depending on each individual, but every type of relationship can require closure. If a loved one passes away, people may want to have an open casket or a funeral service to get closure of the passing. If a friendship and/or a romantic relationship ends, people tend to want to have one last talk (aka one last fight) to get their closure. People can be stuck on an issue for years and not move on from a relationship because “they need closure”. But the mistake people make is thinking that closure comes from someone else, when in reality closure comes from yourself.

I just had this discussion with a friend who can’t get over her previous significant other of well over a year ago and keeps “feeling stuck” because she had no closure. So when I told her to get her own closure, she looked at me as if I had gone insane.

I told her to use an outlet, such as writing a letter, of everything she was feeling and wanted to say to this person and send it to them, burn it, throw it in the trashcan, whatever. Her immediate response back was, “Well I have to wait for what they say.”

To me, that was an immediate red flag. See, when something is ending, you can’t rely on the other persons response because it shouldn’t change the course of your decisions or your logical feelings towards a situation. Often we wait for that excuse or reason to justify someone’s actions enough to stay because we don’t want to let go, even when we know it is the right answer.

The quote above worded it beautifully. You can’t look for closure in what another person says because you will never be completely satisfied with the result. If you want closure, get your thoughts and feelings out and don’t rely on another person to persuade you from making a decision you know is best for you. It will hurt more in the end and never allow you to move on and grow from a situation.

-BrilliantlyAverage

The Moment You Know Your Life Won’t Ever Be The Same.

I know I’ll always think of you with something like hurt and nostalgia —Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ann Davidow-Goodman written c. March 1950

I got my heart broken and it has changed who I am. My best friend, the person who kissed my wounds, called me beautiful at my absolute worst, made me feel alive and vulnerable and like I was on top of the world, just left one morning. This morning wasn’t different than any other morning. It’s funny because I remember it in detail. I woke up, brushed my teeth, prepared for the day, picked up the phone to call them, and I knew immediately by the tone of the other person’s voice when they said hello. Isn’t that crazy? You become so in tune with an individual that you know your entire life is changing by a single word, a sigh, maybe a head nod.

When I grieve, it takes me time to process and actually address things. So the time allotted that your friends and family give you to grieve, I am doing okay then. I am functioning, going to work and not missing deadlines, giving my friends advice, and appearing to look as though I am over it and have moved on. But once the grace period is over, the world keeps moving even if you are not. Your friends and family have lives to get to, your job still has those demands, and that is where I begin to really feel the damage of a situation.

I don’t grieve appropriately. It was exactly 6 months after I left someone who I honestly still think may be the love of my life. I was standing in a crowded space surrounded by my friends and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. I was stagnant screaming for help while appearing to be okay on the outside. I will never forget that moment because it was the moment I knew, for certainty, that a part of me will never be the same.

So just remember that everybody grieves differently and everyone gets their heart broken differently. Be compassionate when your loved ones are heartbroken, be compassionate when your heart is broken. Check on your friends even after you think they should be over something, Check on them again. You never know when someone is going to have their life changing moment, the moment that they too know that their life will never be the same again.

–BrilliantlyAverage

Conditional Love.

“Avoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. Avoid. Avoid.” — Unknown

My childhood has been a confusing mess to understand, even to me. I have a parent who I know loves me to the best of their ability, but their version isn’t good enough.

The problem with my parent is that they love me conditionally. The golden rule is that your parents are supposed to love you, be there for you, support you, and want the best for you no matter what. So when I first realized that type of relationship would never happen for me, I was shocked, confused, and then furious.

I am loved by my parent when I am completely obedient. Life was easy when I did what my parent wanted, said what they wanted, acted how they wanted, dressed how they wanted, and went to school for what they wanted. The moment I tried to find my voice or have an opposing opinion, I became “ungrateful, unreasonable, disappointing, a terrible human” and a slew of nasty names/terms to make me feel guilty and ashamed for thinking or wanting something differently. So I finally would just give in and agree to what they wanted, without ever receiving an apology for the things/names/ guilt trips that were said, to just make life bearable.

The problem is that I am now in my mid-2o’s and I’m terrified to make a decision for myself and feel like I am not good enough. I am fearful of humans, I trust no one, and I can’t even pick what to eat because I am conditioned that one choice I make, that might not be approved by someone else, will ruin their life. I spend life over-analyzing every decision and I’m terrified that if I make a mistake anyone that I care about will no longer love me. On paper, I am a “good human”. I had a 4.0 throughout college and grad school, I volunteered, held jobs, never been in trouble/never even received a speeding ticket, dependable for my family and friends, and I am obedient. I also feel like I will never be worthy of love.

Conditional love is cruel. Do not do it to your kids, do not do it to your partner, and do not do it to your friends. People will make choices you don’t like, love them anyways. You won’t understand why your kid wants to do certain things or acts certain ways, love them anyways. You partner may tell you after 35 years of marriage, they want shave their head and take a summer backpacking trip alone, love them anyways.

Your home and your family (blood or chosen) should be your safe place. I truly believe one of the worst things you can do is take away someone’s emotional safety. Because here we are, broken in plain sight.

–BrilliantlyAverage