The Moment You Know Your Life Won’t Ever Be The Same.

I know I’ll always think of you with something like hurt and nostalgia —Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ann Davidow-Goodman written c. March 1950

I got my heart broken and it has changed who I am. My best friend, the person who kissed my wounds, called me beautiful at my absolute worst, made me feel alive and vulnerable and like I was on top of the world, just left one morning. This morning wasn’t different than any other morning. It’s funny because I remember it in detail. I woke up, brushed my teeth, prepared for the day, picked up the phone to call them, and I knew immediately by the tone of the other person’s voice when they said hello. Isn’t that crazy? You become so in tune with an individual that you know your entire life is changing by a single word, a sigh, maybe a head nod.

When I grieve, it takes me time to process and actually address things. So the time allotted that your friends and family give you to grieve, I am doing okay then. I am functioning, going to work and not missing deadlines, giving my friends advice, and appearing to look as though I am over it and have moved on. But once the grace period is over, the world keeps moving even if you are not. Your friends and family have lives to get to, your job still has those demands, and that is where I begin to really feel the damage of a situation.

I don’t grieve appropriately. It was exactly 6 months after I left someone who I honestly still think may be the love of my life. I was standing in a crowded space surrounded by my friends and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. I was stagnant screaming for help while appearing to be okay on the outside. I will never forget that moment because it was the moment I knew, for certainty, that a part of me will never be the same.

So just remember that everybody grieves differently and everyone gets their heart broken differently. Be compassionate when your loved ones are heartbroken, be compassionate when your heart is broken. Check on your friends even after you think they should be over something, Check on them again. You never know when someone is going to have their life changing moment, the moment that they too know that their life will never be the same again.

–BrilliantlyAverage

Seeing Someone’s Potential Can Skew Our Thoughts.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”- Gloria Naylor

When you get to know someone on a deeper level, you lose the ability to see them as just a person, friend, or significant lover. Your perception of them becomes skewed once you can identify their potential and envision their dreams with them. The more you find out about someone’s story and identify traits that make them who they are, the more this vision can be skewed.

It’s why we can love people that don’t deserve us, it’s how someone can commit an unthinkable crime and at least one person on this Earth still unconditionally loves them, and it’s how we can hold on to something that we should have let go of a long time ago. It’s like, ” Yeah, they are being pretty crappy right now but this isn’t them all the time. “, “Their family thinks it is okay to lie about these kind of things so it isn’t their fault.”, or “They just don’t know how to deal with what’s going on the right way because ____.”

But if you really love someone and you see their potential, you have to hold them accountable to it. The best analogy I can think of is like when you are training a puppy to use the bathroom outside. You know the puppy has the potential to go to the bathroom outside because you have shown him the way and he has done it. So, it simply no longer becomes acceptable when he goes inside the house. You may scold him, punish him, watch him to make sure there isn’t an accident, or train him to use a bell to tell you when he needs to go. When he does the right thing, you praise him by recognizing that he has done something right, give him a treat, or shower him with affection. But because you love him and you have seen his potential, you refuse to let him consistently act in a way that is less than his best. Now, there will be accidents and slip-up moments where you show compassion when the puppy has a flu, but these things are the exception and not the standard.

The same should apply to the people we love. If you see someone’s potential and they are not willing to live up to it, then someone needs to hold them accountable. We are not doing any favors to the people we love by bottling up when they are not being the best version of themselves they can be and just letting them slip by. Unlike the dog analogy, we do not get to punish them or train them to do what we want when we want it, but we do get to bring their attention to their flaws in a respectful manner in hopes of inspiring them to make a change. But we can’t do it for them.  If someone consistently refuses to live up to their potential, what do you do? To a point, you fight for them and you believe in them and you be their constant in a world that gives up to easily. But there will come a point when the best thing you can do for them is to let them go.

Personally, I struggle with this guilt of feeling like I am the one that gave up or let go of something when I should have kept fighting for because I see the potential in the relationship and them as a person. But I have recently learned that it’s not giving up if the other person isn’t willing to put in the work that I am. I’m stubborn and strong and independent, but I’m a good friend, girlfriend, and I have the best intentions even in the moments that I make mistakes. And if someone isn’t willing to match me on my loyalty, honesty, or respect me enough to change what is wrong, then they gave up and I did everything I could. But I can’t dim myself down or lower myself to match their level, it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to them.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Holding A Grudge.

“Holding a grudge and harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people, but not those who have hurt us. Forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.”- Steve Maraboli

If there was a world record for holding a grudge, I think I could be in the running to win the title. When I get hurt, I completely shut down and block off anything/anyone who has hurt me. I don’t talk about it, and I try not to even think about it. It is my defense mechanism, but it is a lousy one.

It has taken me a long time to realize that the only person hurting in the grudge holding is me. In most cases, the person you are holding the grudge against has had some kind of conflict with you or flat out just doesn’t like you. If that is the case, they could probably care less what you think about them. Just like you don’t really care about their issues with you.

Holding grudges is a dark, toxic thing. It can change a positive person’s outlook into a negative perspective in seconds. It can make the heart dark and full of anger. Without trying to sound dramatic, it can literally change a person for the worst.

With this realization, I have made a vow to try to let my grudges go. I’m not perfect, and dropping a long-term grudge will not happen overnight. However, letting go of a grudge does not mean you have to become friends with this person. It just simply means that they do not have the immense amount of control on you that they had before. You don’t have to talk to this person or even look at them whenever you see them. But letting go of this grudge will make peace within yourself, and you deserve it.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Bitter Over Someone.

“And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one, ’cause most of us are bitter over someone.” -Daughter

I’m bitter. There is no way to ease into it or sugar coat it. I had my heart broken by someone who I never expected would break it, and it nearly destroyed me. As dramatic as that sounds, it’s honest. See, I am the rationale, level-headed, stubborn, and independent type. I never thought I would be a girl that fell madly in love, and it was never the plan for me. I appreciate a sweet proposal or a romantic love story, but I wanted to accomplish my goals without anything or anyone, including a boy, holding me back.

But that love was like fire. It was unexpected, took over quickly, and consumed every part of me that it touched. And when it was over, I was left to rummage through the damage that ended up not being fixable.

But how long is too long to be bitter? The answer is any amount of time. When your heart becomes bitter, it changes everything. Your view of the world, your outlook on your own life, and your interactions with loved ones are never the same. Becoming bitter means that the bad part of love wins. It means that we let the hurt change who we are, and sometimes we can never go back to who we were before. I’m not saying that you probably won’t be bitter at some point for some amount of time. But I am saying that we need to confront why we are bitter, and address it before it changes us into someone we don’t recognize.

Growing cold and bitter does not make dealing with heart break any easier. It simply means that when you finally are ready to address your feelings, you have a lot more walls to break down to get there.

-BrilliantlyAverage

There Is Only Now.

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”- Hugh Laurie

I’m a creature of habit. I like consistency, well thought out plans, control, and do not make decisions without considering every outcome possible. Therefore, my world is mostly safe. For everything about life I can control, I know when it will happen, how it will happen, and how I will react. I protect myself as much as possible by controlling every aspect I can.

 Although I am a planner, I am also a dreamer. I want to travel the world, want to learn a new language, and want to do something completely out of the comfort box that I have created for myself.

As you can imagine, these two aspects are difficult to put together. It is hard to be spontaneous yet controlling. It is hard to be guarded yet open to new experiences. Therefore, one has to be sacrificed to lead to an outcome. So which one do you ignore?

Everything happens for a reason, and timing really is everything. Being young, I take for granted that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Control is a nice thing to have, but it doesn’t allow me to do things to help me grow. Trying new things is such a vital component to growth. I just need to remind myself that if I hate it, I never have to do it again.

The quote above is right, there is no better time than now. Do something you have always wanted to do. If you can’t think of a legit excuse to “wait a couple of years”, do it now. If you love someone, tell them. If they don’t love you back, then you didn’t just waste more time thinking it may work in the end. Go on a date, even if you won’t have control, because it may lead to a beautiful relationship or a new best friend. Do anything that will not cause harm to you or anyone around you that you think might remotely be interesting. We only have one life to live, and that life is now.

-BrilliantlyAverage