Understanding Can Be Harmful.

“I understand. That’s the trouble. I understand. I’ll understand all the time. All day and night. Especially all night. I’ll understand. You don’t have to worry about that.” -Ernest Hemingway

In the spirit of being completely transparent, I am really just struggling emotionally. Being a human is hard. Being a human with feelings while also trying to process a global pandemic is hard. Being honest with your feelings to yourself and others is hard. Learning your boundaries and how to stand up for yourself against people you truly care about is hard. But just because it is hard does not mean it isn’t necessary.

To continue the spirit of being completely transparent, I got ghosted. I met this person, felt like I knew them forever, developed feelings too quickly, hung out frequently and talked all day/everyday, and then they just disappeared one day. And I was CRUSHED. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I did to make them leave, why I wasn’t good enough, and why I didn’t even get some kind of goodbye that I didn’t allow myself to grieve the hole in my heart from the hurt they caused me. Because they left, I felt like it must have been something about me and internalized all of that into even more self-hatred. So I didn’t need to grieve I thought, I just needed to change the horrible thing about me.

Fast forward about a year, and I actually came back into contact with this person again via phone call. We of course danced around the subject of ghosting, but one comment that was said stuck with me long after it was over. “I knew during the period that I disappeared that if I ever needed anything from you or needed something, you would be there no matter what, and that’s f***ed up.”

Wow. Talk about a punch straight to the stomach. I try to be understanding of people and their situations because it is what I want done for me. But that one line from someone I thought I really cared about was one of the biggest life lessons I’ve ever learned to date.

You can be an understanding person and still have a back bone. Being understanding does not mean you have to condone people hurting you or being okay with situations where you are not respected or treated with human decency. And finally, if you know you can take advantage of someone and them still be there to meet your needs, do better.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“I Want To Continue To Evolve.”

“I want to continue to evolve, learn always, stay humble and grateful for everything the universe so lovingly gives me. I don’t want to be stuck in toxic patterns or behaviors. I want to be fearless and I want to be trusting, put my past experiences and traumas to rest, no longer allow them to have hold or define me. I want to express my emotions and have my own voice to use and be heard. I want to listen to others and empathize with them while keeping boundaries that show my self and others respect and real love. I want to be seen and I want to see the people around me. I want to use my art to fuel and inspire myself and others. I want to be a joy giver and peace receiver. I want to reach my highest potential and bring my loved ones up along me. I want to love and be loved. I want to love and be loved. I want to love and be loved.”- Lauren Froderman

First off, let’s go ahead and state the obvious. I have been pretty absent from this blog for the past year. The irony is that I chose to write to share experiences about the hardships of  life and love and friendships and finding the positive in it all and yet I faced a terrible year and did the exact opposite.

I ran. I got my heart broken. I was betrayed by people I loved and lost friends as a result. My anxiety increased. I ran some more. I put on a front to the world that everything was fine when inside I was struggling. I let the darkness creep in. I ran some more. And then I finally let the darkness consume me.

Until I didn’t. About a week ago I woke up and decided that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t be this version of myself that I started to hate more and more as the days went. Everything isn’t going to change in a day. You are going to have some great days, some awful days, and some days in between. But I do know that I am starting to be inspired again, to start to see a little glimpse of a light, to start to get hope back.

So, I typically think New Years Resolutions are some cliche thing that people do and give up on with a couple of weeks. I don’t believe it needs to be a new year to change yourself, but what I do appreciate is that resolution inspire people to collectively set goals and believe in hope. “I will lose the weight.” “I will be more positive.” ” I won’t fall back into a toxic pattern.” You use the excuse of the new year to inspire you and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to express your desires. And that is what is magic.

What are three things you are hopeful to change/inspired to follow?

-BrilliantlyAverage

 

Do You Really Want Closure?

“Do you really “wanna get closure” or do you want an excuse to talk to him again in case he has had enough time to come up with the right words to say for you to settle?” – Unknown

Closure is such an interesting topic because the level of closure or type of closure needed varies depending on each individual, but every type of relationship can require closure. If a loved one passes away, people may want to have an open casket or a funeral service to get closure of the passing. If a friendship and/or a romantic relationship ends, people tend to want to have one last talk (aka one last fight) to get their closure. People can be stuck on an issue for years and not move on from a relationship because “they need closure”. But the mistake people make is thinking that closure comes from someone else, when in reality closure comes from yourself.

I just had this discussion with a friend who can’t get over her previous significant other of well over a year ago and keeps “feeling stuck” because she had no closure. So when I told her to get her own closure, she looked at me as if I had gone insane.

I told her to use an outlet, such as writing a letter, of everything she was feeling and wanted to say to this person and send it to them, burn it, throw it in the trashcan, whatever. Her immediate response back was, “Well I have to wait for what they say.”

To me, that was an immediate red flag. See, when something is ending, you can’t rely on the other persons response because it shouldn’t change the course of your decisions or your logical feelings towards a situation. Often we wait for that excuse or reason to justify someone’s actions enough to stay because we don’t want to let go, even when we know it is the right answer.

The quote above worded it beautifully. You can’t look for closure in what another person says because you will never be completely satisfied with the result. If you want closure, get your thoughts and feelings out and don’t rely on another person to persuade you from making a decision you know is best for you. It will hurt more in the end and never allow you to move on and grow from a situation.

-BrilliantlyAverage

The Moment You Know Your Life Won’t Ever Be The Same.

I know I’ll always think of you with something like hurt and nostalgia —Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Ann Davidow-Goodman written c. March 1950

I got my heart broken and it has changed who I am. My best friend, the person who kissed my wounds, called me beautiful at my absolute worst, made me feel alive and vulnerable and like I was on top of the world, just left one morning. This morning wasn’t different than any other morning. It’s funny because I remember it in detail. I woke up, brushed my teeth, prepared for the day, picked up the phone to call them, and I knew immediately by the tone of the other person’s voice when they said hello. Isn’t that crazy? You become so in tune with an individual that you know your entire life is changing by a single word, a sigh, maybe a head nod.

When I grieve, it takes me time to process and actually address things. So the time allotted that your friends and family give you to grieve, I am doing okay then. I am functioning, going to work and not missing deadlines, giving my friends advice, and appearing to look as though I am over it and have moved on. But once the grace period is over, the world keeps moving even if you are not. Your friends and family have lives to get to, your job still has those demands, and that is where I begin to really feel the damage of a situation.

I don’t grieve appropriately. It was exactly 6 months after I left someone who I honestly still think may be the love of my life. I was standing in a crowded space surrounded by my friends and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. I was stagnant screaming for help while appearing to be okay on the outside. I will never forget that moment because it was the moment I knew, for certainty, that a part of me will never be the same.

So just remember that everybody grieves differently and everyone gets their heart broken differently. Be compassionate when your loved ones are heartbroken, be compassionate when your heart is broken. Check on your friends even after you think they should be over something, Check on them again. You never know when someone is going to have their life changing moment, the moment that they too know that their life will never be the same again.

–BrilliantlyAverage

Conditional Love.

“Avoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. Avoid. Avoid.” — Unknown

My childhood has been a confusing mess to understand, even to me. I have a parent who I know loves me to the best of their ability, but their version isn’t good enough.

The problem with my parent is that they love me conditionally. The golden rule is that your parents are supposed to love you, be there for you, support you, and want the best for you no matter what. So when I first realized that type of relationship would never happen for me, I was shocked, confused, and then furious.

I am loved by my parent when I am completely obedient. Life was easy when I did what my parent wanted, said what they wanted, acted how they wanted, dressed how they wanted, and went to school for what they wanted. The moment I tried to find my voice or have an opposing opinion, I became “ungrateful, unreasonable, disappointing, a terrible human” and a slew of nasty names/terms to make me feel guilty and ashamed for thinking or wanting something differently. So I finally would just give in and agree to what they wanted, without ever receiving an apology for the things/names/ guilt trips that were said, to just make life bearable.

The problem is that I am now in my mid-2o’s and I’m terrified to make a decision for myself and feel like I am not good enough. I am fearful of humans, I trust no one, and I can’t even pick what to eat because I am conditioned that one choice I make, that might not be approved by someone else, will ruin their life. I spend life over-analyzing every decision and I’m terrified that if I make a mistake anyone that I care about will no longer love me. On paper, I am a “good human”. I had a 4.0 throughout college and grad school, I volunteered, held jobs, never been in trouble/never even received a speeding ticket, dependable for my family and friends, and I am obedient. I also feel like I will never be worthy of love.

Conditional love is cruel. Do not do it to your kids, do not do it to your partner, and do not do it to your friends. People will make choices you don’t like, love them anyways. You won’t understand why your kid wants to do certain things or acts certain ways, love them anyways. You partner may tell you after 35 years of marriage, they want shave their head and take a summer backpacking trip alone, love them anyways.

Your home and your family (blood or chosen) should be your safe place. I truly believe one of the worst things you can do is take away someone’s emotional safety. Because here we are, broken in plain sight.

–BrilliantlyAverage

 

Your Feelings Are Only Defined By You.

“The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.- Yasmin Mogahed

When you are going through something traumatic and reach out for help, people usually respond with some type of response that basically states that everything will be okay soon (“You will be okay.” or “You are okay.”). Although that is great advice (because typically you usually end up functioning in the future), it doesn’t address your current state.

I know in my moments of struggling, I’m not okay and nobody has the right to define my state of “okayness” for me. As someone who should probably reach out for help more than I do, I tend to feel defeated or “annoying” when someone just states “you will be okay”. I understand that I need to be able to not rely on anyone other than myself, but sometimes knowing you are not alone helps more than you think it does.

In those moments, I am not okay and I am not afraid to say it. I have moments where I am defeated, broken down, exhausted, and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. These moments are so incredibly hard, especially trying to explain what you are feeling to an outside world that stigmatizes everything and doesn’t believe there is an issue unless you can physically see it.

But I am here to tell you somethings.

No matter what your feelings are, they are valid and no one has the right to tell you how you feel. If you are not “okay” at this moment, that is okay and you have every right to express that. You are the only one who can ultimately save you, but finding support from anyone trustworthy will help you in the moments you think you can’t do it. You are worthy of saving and being/feeling loved no matter your past.

You can do this. You are brave, you are beautiful, and sometimes the hardest step is admitting you are not okay. And if you take two steps forward and 7 steps back, that is okay too. You are trying, unconditionally and unapologetically, to be the best version of yourself. And some days, that has to be enough.

-BrilliantlyAverage

A Person’s Energy and Perspective.

“A person’s energy and the aura they give off never lies. Trust in that.”-Unknown

I like to refer to myself as a “realist” rather than admitting that I naturally look at things as a pessimist. I tend to state facts and don’t get my hopes up so that I do not get disappointed. I am not the person that is the “dreamer” and I don’t set unrealistic expectations for myself and others. This can be a good and bad thing. Yes, I don’t get disappointed and that is great, but I also lose some of the “magic” in life.

That is why 3 months ago I decided that I was going to become a different person. I started “A Year of Adventures” where a friend and I were going to do adrenaline adventures once a month (from someone who was never an adrenaline junkie before, I am now hooked). But the most important thing I am working on is changing my perspective.

What I have learned is that the first thought you think is what you have been “trained to think”, either by your upbringing, your influences, or what you have trained yourself to think over time, and your second thought is the thought you have control over. For example, I hate tomatoes. My first thought when someone mentions a tomato is, “That is disgusting and it better not be touching my food.” But now I am making sure I always include a positive, second thought, like “I wonder if anyone at the table loves tomatoes? I should offer them mine so they can have double tomatoes on their salad.”

Forcing myself to take on a positive perspective constantly, even though it goes against my natural thought process, has honestly been one of the best things I have done for myself. It is harder than you think it would be if you are wired like I am. But the other day, the most amazing thing happened. My first thought about something came out to be positive instead of negative. In that moment, I knew that I was changing for the better.

So I challenge anyone reading this to find something that pushes you to be more positive/a better version of yourself, and do it. You will be in awe of how much your thought process and everything around you changes when your perspective and thought process start to change.

-BrillantlyAverage

“You Must Go On Adventures To Find Out Where You Belong.”

“You must go on adventures to find out where you belong.”-Sue Fitzmaurice I thrive off of routine and planning. The unknown terrifies me, and I typically avoid situations where I am not in control. But when I graduated graduate school in May, I made a vow to focus on breaking out of my comfort zone for the next entire year. This meant I would challenge myself to grow in every way possible, physically, mentally, and socially.And now that I am at the 4 mark month, I can’t believe how much I have changed for the better and how different I am/my life is. Four months ago, I would have never went skydiving two hours after a friend called and asked if I wanted to go. Now, I seek the spontaneous moments. I have come to realize that these moments of pure adrenaline and living in the moment are when I am truly the happiest, and they have taught me to make some life decisions based solely for me to achieve this wonderful feeling again.The most important thing adventuring has done is that it has helped heal my heart. It has taught me to appreciate my surroundings, how small we really are compared to this big world, and how incredibly blessed we are to witness nature and all of it’s views. It has taught me that we, like nature, are resilient and strong.So here is to the year of teaching myself to be more spontaneous and in the moment.. I can already tell that this will change my life for the better.-BrilliantlyAverage

Both Better and Worse Because Of You.

“I am both better and worse because of you.”-Daren Colbert

Someone pretty significant left my life a couple of months ago, and it destroyed me. This person was the person that was there for me everyday, the one who constantly made me laugh, the one who I told all my fears, dreams, and past to, and the one who loved me in spite of all of it.

It wasn’t a gradual leaving like you would expect. I legitimately woke up one day and this person was a completely different person. They were cruel, cold, and used all of my biggest insecurities and fears against me to hurt me. The person who I thought would truly do anything for me 24 hours later was the person who was intentionally hurting me.

And it’s a weird thing when a situation like this happens. You would think that I stood up for myself or at least just realized they were not who I thought they were and moved on. But instead, I started questioning myself. I spent days crying, analyzing, trying to pick out the exact moment this happened or what I did to cause this.

But overtime, I realized that this was on them and not me. I am only responsible for my own actions in situations. I was fooled and played by someone who I cared about and that made me believe that they cared about me. That does not make me dumb or an unworthy human, it makes me a human that was manipulated and came out of the situation standing strong.

And now that I am looking back at the situation now, here are some of the things I have learned.

I am stronger than I think or give myself credit for.

I do not need to depend on anyone to get through anything. I can want people there and love when others are with me, but I don’t actually need anyone to survive through the hard times. Heartbreak is a great time to reflect and grow. Healing and grieving take time, with a lot of days that are good and a lot of days that are bad. I deserve the kind of love that I put out into the world, and I am not willing to settle for people who do not treat me with the same love and respect that I treat them with. It is okay to cry. To be honest, cry sooner than later and just get it over with, you will feel better.

And most importantly, when people who you really love hurt you or betray you or do the unthinkable, do not retaliate. I promise you, looking back at the situation and having nothing to regret is a lot better of a feeling that doing something to intentionally hurt them (even knowing the huge amount of short-term gratitude I would have had from hurting them even a fraction of the amount that they hurt me).

-BrilliantlyAverage

The Day My Dream Came True: Elephant Edition.

“I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to noticed how extraordinary it was.”- Ransom Riggs

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with elephants. They are beautiful, loyal, gentle, and incredibly smart. I have dreamed of the farfetched day I would get to interact with one and witness their beauty up close and personal.

So you can imagine the emotions that go along with finding out this day was happening/my dream was coming true, actually going and interacting with the elephants, and the aftermath of it all. Basically, I was a weeping mess of tears for about 3 months, and I have tears falling again as I am writing this. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had and for the family members/friends that helped me make it possible.

(I wish I was joking about the tears, but here is actual photo proof. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. And yes, I also understand that I am an adult.)

I was blessed to fly to an AMAZING elephant conservation where these keepers truly love these animals as if they were their human family. While there, I got to learn about elephants, feed them, give them a bath (which the elephants actually smiled the entire way through they loved so much), listen to their constant “happy” screech noises, and take so many pictures. I learned that these elephants are basically big dogs that will do tricks to show off but mostly just like to roam the 60 acres of woods/lands.

(Feeding the cutest elephant named Patty)

(Patty was so happy during her bath that she was actually smiling and making this “happy” screech noise. The top picture was my surprise at how happy she was/how heavy her ear was!)

Even as I write this, I am currently sobbing in gratitude and awe of this day. We had so many things going against us, like only have 1 actual available day to fly to another part of the country to accomplish this and that 1 available day was supposed to be filled with thunderstorms/rain. But the day could not have been more perfect or have had more perfect weather.

Moral of this one: You are never too old for your dreams to come true and you’re never too old to stop dreaming. Fight for them, don’t give up on them, and constantly be searching in a stagnant world.

-BrilliantlyAverage

23 Things I’ve Learned At 23.

“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.
It matters that you don’t just give up.”

Because it is my birthday month and I am turning 24, I can officially say that 23 has been one of the best and worst years of my life. It included accomplishing huge goals, such as graduating with my Master’s degree and accepting my first real job, and heartbreak over someone I thought I had already let go, which I can confirm hurts worse the second time. For me, 23 was this huge year of trying to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I expect in the people around me. Although I still have a lot more to figure out, I am not the same person I was at this time last year and that in itself is a victory. So here it goes..

1. Procrastination really isn’t the way to go.- Even though it seems better to do everything you want to do before your responsibilities, the task gets worse to accomplish the longer you wait until deadline to do it and the more stressed you become.

2. You can get your heart-broken more than once by the same person, and the second time tends to hurt a little worse.– Maybe it’s my pride saying this, but I let someone back into my life who I probably shouldn’t have, and the disappointment that they caused me was worse than the first time because I felt like I knew better than to let my guard down with them again.

3. It’s okay to let go.– Like really okay. You tried, it didn’t work, but that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Pick up the pieces, learn from it, and try again with someone else.

4. You deserve the love and respect you think your best friend deserves.– This one is hard for me because I am such a fighter for the people I love. I think they deserve the world to them on a silver platter, yet I put up with things I would be angry at them for putting up with.

5. Have really big dreams, no matter your age, and never give up hope that they can come true.– It’s good to have a dream or a goal no matter what age you are. Fight for it, work towards it, and never give up the hope that one day it may happen for you.

6. Surround yourself with like-minded people.– The saying that “you become who you surround yourself with” is scary true. Find people that share your drive, your outlook on life, and want to accomplish the same things as you do. Then use their motivation to help you achieve yours.

7. Just because they are a lifetime friend doesn’t mean that they are a forever friend.– This realization has been one of the hardest things to swallow this past year. But just because someone has been your friend your entire life, or 22 years in my circumstance, doesn’t mean they get a special pass to treat you disrespectfully or in a way that you would not tolerate from another friend.

8. Hangovers get worse as you get older.- Yes, I had always heard this and I just chose to ignore it. Unfortunately, I can confirm it is true.

9. It’s okay to have no idea what you are doing or who you want to be.– I felt extra insecure during my 23rd year because I felt like I should have a handle on everything yet actually had no idea what I was doing. In reality, I realized that I was not alone and everyone is just really good at pretending like they have it together.

10. Who you are/what you have been is not permanent, for the past or future.– You can always change, for the better or for the worst. Keep that in mind as you are making decisions about your life.

11. It’s okay to be independent and not have to depend on anybody.– It’s nice to have some good friends and a great support system, but you don’t actually need them. You can do anything you set your mind to on your own.

12. It’s okay to cry and show emotion.– Ah, this one will always be difficult for me. But 23 is the year I have tried to tell people how I feel, ask for help when I need it, and allow myself to cry rather than bottle up my feelings.

13. You get one day to grieve it, then move on.– You get one full day to be sad about it, but then you gotta wake up the next day with a plan and put it to work.

14. Adventures are what life is about.– I am a person that hates change and loves structure. So this year, I have been challenging myself to push past my comfort zone and do things out of the ordinary. It is some of the best memories I have being 23.

15. Sometimes you just have to have faith and take a blind leap.– It is scary, overwhelming, exhausting, and you are guaranteed to get burned from time to time. Do it anyways.

16. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak.– We are human and everybody needs some help sometimes. Be brave enough to ask for it and don’t suffer alone.

17. Running away from your problems makes them worse when you finally have to confront them.– Everything eventually catches up to you, and the higher the wall you build up the more time it takes to break it down and move on.

18. Tell the people that you love that you love them as much as possible.– Tell them you love them too much rather than not enough. Scary things happen, and you never want to wonder if they know how much you love and appreciated them.

19. Your parents/grandparents are getting older. And as much as you don’t want to accept it, it is still happening.– Make quality time to interact and hang out with them. You won’t regret it.

20. Having a “no technology” dinner with your friends is absolutely wonderful. -Before dinner starts, make everyone put their phone in the middle of the table. You get to spend real quality time together and get to live in the moment.

21. Travel as much as possible and embrace the sacrifices that need to be made to accomplish that.– When we are young is the best time to travel because we tend to have less responsibilities than we will have in the years down the road. So eat Ramen noodles for a month to travel someplace amazing because the memories and stories you will have will last forever.

22. You don’t have to attend plans/go somewhere just because all your friends are going.– Do things for you and not out of obligation. If you don’t want to go, don’t. And do not feel sorry about it.

23. “Me time” can actually change your life.– The best thing I ever did was recognize when I need time to “recharge” by myself and not feel guilty for taking it. In that alone time, I am able to reflect on who I am, what I want to be, and give myself some well needed pampering. I am a better friend, sister, and daughter because of this.

–BrilliantlyAverage

“Why Are You Any Different?”

“You wouldn’t criticize a mountain for being too small or too big or a river for curving in its natural way, why are you any different?”

By definition, I am a perfectionist. I want to be the best in everything that I do, and I do not allow myself to make mistakes or be anything less than “perfect” without feeling like a failure. If I say or do something that isn’t completed to this insanely high standard I set for myself, I am critical and harsh about my performance. I am the first person to tear me down when analyzing any part of my life, and I have trouble picking out a positive thing I have done or said in a situation.

But would I say the same things or treat the people I love the way I treat myself if I am not “perfect”? Absolutely not. I pride myself on being a friend and companion that tries to be understanding, compassionate, and determined to help the people I love follow/accomplish their dreams. When their plans don’t work, let’s come up with a new plan that gets at the same goal but allows them to execute it in a different way. All I ask of them is to try 100% in whatever they are doing, and if they fail or fall short than that is okay by me. More importantly, I am truly proud of them. So if I am able to treat others like this, why am I not able to give myself the same kind of treatment?

To be honest, I have no idea. I do know that realizing that I am harshly critical of myself and so understanding of others about the same topic was a huge moment of clarity for me. It made me realize that I need to work on finding a balance between pushing myself to accomplish things and not punishing myself for the inevitable human error that will occur because I am not “perfect”. I will make mistakes, not meet deadlines of goals on time, and have off-days that I feel like my performance was not 100%, and that is okay. Because life is a balance, and a combination of good and bad is required to live a life that is full of human emotions.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Any Closer And They Would Destroy Us.

“We can only admire the beauty of the stars because they are far away; any closer, and they would destroy us.- Elissa Cox

Some people enter your life like a comet in the sky. They appear suddenly, shine bright, and leave you mesmerized at their beauty. These people may have quickly planted themselves as an essential component of your everyday life, or maybe it is someone that one day just switched from a casual friend to a vital companion. They are the people that you are so drawn to that they take your breath away at the thought of them and they are the people who you would do anything to spend a couple more moments with.

The problem with a comet is that it shines brightly and then it just disappears. This is no warning of when it will stop shining and leave the sky to return back to black. It’s beauty can only be admired from afar because contact with a comet is impossible without causing yourself damage.There is no time length to guesstimate the amount of time you can appreciate the beauty of the comet shining. It is there, and then it is just gone. But just because I have described some negatives about a comet and it’s unpredictability doesn’t mean that I love or appreciate it’s beauty any less.

Just like an actual comet, this theory applies to the “comet” in my life. This “comet” taught me the hardest lesson I learned last year, which is that you can love someone with all your heart but discover that they are not good for you. This person was mesmerizing, beautiful, and toxic when in close proximity. Recognizing the toxicity didn’t make this person any less beautiful or mesmerizing in my eyes, but I did have to recognize that being close in distance to this person was destroying me. So I had to do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, which is learn to love and admire him from afar.

Just like witnessing a comet, the person who is your “comet” will leave an everlasting impact on you. All we can do is try to focus on appreciating the moments of the bright light of our relationship rather than focusing on the darkness that occurs once the comet is gone. It is shocking at first to adjust to the darkness once you are accustomed to seeing the bright lights of the comet, but eventually our bodies adjust and the darkness of the night sky doesn’t seem so terrifyingly dark in the contrast to that light that shown so brightly. And just like the sky, we will adjust too.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“Do Not Mock A Pain That You Haven’t Endured.”

“Do not mock a pain that you haven’t endured.”- Unknown

Every single person we have ever encountered is either currently fighting a battle or has defeated a battle that no one knows about. Even if we are fighting the same battle, our experiences aren’t the same. Something that is a minor experience to someone may be the most traumatic thing another individual has ever went through. The thing we all have in common is everyone is just trying to make it to another day. Sometimes we are having to kick and claw our way out of the rabbit hole, and other times we are laughing and dancing on our journey. We have times that are joyous to go through, and there are times when getting out of bed is a triumph.

This holiday season, I have been especially aware to the things in our society that are considered “funny” or “normal” but could be so hurtful for any individual suffering. I saw Halloween costumes and t-shirts that mocked serious mental illnesses, and I heard stories of individual’s telling people to “get over” their anxiety and struggles surrounded seeing their family over the holidays and eating food at Thanksgiving.

Honestly, I was astonished. Partly at myself for not having this heightened of an awareness previously, but also because I am part of a society where this unfortunately exists. Are we so desensitized that we can’t stop to think about how this would make another individual feel? As I have said before, every single person has experienced something painful. I can say personally during my times of struggle, all I have wanted was to know that I was not alone and that I was going to make it through. And I know I’m not alone in that thinking. So why can we not offer that same respect to others? Because I guarantee if it was your loved one that was struggling and someone mocked it to you, your initial reaction would be to fight their words, educate them on how wrong they are, and be hurt by their lack of sensitivity to someone or something you care about. Because the thing that people forget the most is that no one just wakes up one day and says “I think I’m gonna develop an eating disorder, be depressed, or self-harm today.” Life, experiences, and situations shape us and there is always more to the story than what is shown on the surface.

Every time of the year, but especially during this holiday season, have compassion. Be aware of things that could be harmful to individuals and be proactive in helping your loved ones make it through. Don’t just tell them to “get over” whatever they are going through. Instead, be a listening ear to them and assist them in whatever way you are comfortable with. Because we have all been on the end of struggle, we know exactly what it is like to feel pain that is immense, and we should always have compassion for an individual experiencing pain.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Seeing Someone’s Potential Can Skew Our Thoughts.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”- Gloria Naylor

When you get to know someone on a deeper level, you lose the ability to see them as just a person, friend, or significant lover. Your perception of them becomes skewed once you can identify their potential and envision their dreams with them. The more you find out about someone’s story and identify traits that make them who they are, the more this vision can be skewed.

It’s why we can love people that don’t deserve us, it’s how someone can commit an unthinkable crime and at least one person on this Earth still unconditionally loves them, and it’s how we can hold on to something that we should have let go of a long time ago. It’s like, ” Yeah, they are being pretty crappy right now but this isn’t them all the time. “, “Their family thinks it is okay to lie about these kind of things so it isn’t their fault.”, or “They just don’t know how to deal with what’s going on the right way because ____.”

But if you really love someone and you see their potential, you have to hold them accountable to it. The best analogy I can think of is like when you are training a puppy to use the bathroom outside. You know the puppy has the potential to go to the bathroom outside because you have shown him the way and he has done it. So, it simply no longer becomes acceptable when he goes inside the house. You may scold him, punish him, watch him to make sure there isn’t an accident, or train him to use a bell to tell you when he needs to go. When he does the right thing, you praise him by recognizing that he has done something right, give him a treat, or shower him with affection. But because you love him and you have seen his potential, you refuse to let him consistently act in a way that is less than his best. Now, there will be accidents and slip-up moments where you show compassion when the puppy has a flu, but these things are the exception and not the standard.

The same should apply to the people we love. If you see someone’s potential and they are not willing to live up to it, then someone needs to hold them accountable. We are not doing any favors to the people we love by bottling up when they are not being the best version of themselves they can be and just letting them slip by. Unlike the dog analogy, we do not get to punish them or train them to do what we want when we want it, but we do get to bring their attention to their flaws in a respectful manner in hopes of inspiring them to make a change. But we can’t do it for them.  If someone consistently refuses to live up to their potential, what do you do? To a point, you fight for them and you believe in them and you be their constant in a world that gives up to easily. But there will come a point when the best thing you can do for them is to let them go.

Personally, I struggle with this guilt of feeling like I am the one that gave up or let go of something when I should have kept fighting for because I see the potential in the relationship and them as a person. But I have recently learned that it’s not giving up if the other person isn’t willing to put in the work that I am. I’m stubborn and strong and independent, but I’m a good friend, girlfriend, and I have the best intentions even in the moments that I make mistakes. And if someone isn’t willing to match me on my loyalty, honesty, or respect me enough to change what is wrong, then they gave up and I did everything I could. But I can’t dim myself down or lower myself to match their level, it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to them.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“Love Is An Element.”

“Love is a luxury. “No. Love is an element.” An element. Like air to breathe, earth to stand on.”- Laini Taylor

The four elements of nature are earth, fire, water, and air. The most watered down way to describe these elements is that these four things are the most basic things that sustain life. Theory says that if we have a balance of these within ourselves, we will be healthy mentally and physically. But what about love?

I got a phone call from a friend hysterical the other night after a fight with her boyfriend, and she was distraught after he told her that “she didn’t deserve to be loved.” That one sentence brought doubt to the most confident person I know. She began to question if her thoughts, dreams, opinions, and morals were valid. If telling someone that they don’t deserve to be loved can rock the foundation of one of the most confident and self-assured people that I know, how can love not be an element?

Humans need love. Time and time again, we have proven that individual’s crave the presence of each other. In prisons, what is the absolute worst they can give you? Solitary confinement. The punishment we use on the world’s worst criminals, who we consider ruthless, hard, cold, and almost not human in their ability to be disconnected from emotion and feeling, is to isolate them without human contact and the opportunity to love.

To be alone, without contact to another human being or the ability to love, is cruel. It is considered to be such torture to be alone that people are willing to settle with people that are not right for them out of fear, and not say who they really are or what they are feeling in fear of being isolated. We need love to function physically and emotionally to the highest level of our capabilities. We are composed of wind, fire, earth, and air, but we are also composed of love. The want and need for love is a strong force, and to claim that anyone doesn’t deserve a crucial element of life saddens me.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“Embrace Brokenness As An Integral Part Of Life.”

“Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.”- Parker Palmer

Everyone has that day where everything goes wrong, all of the emotions that you have previously blown off come to the surface, and your feelings of sadness are more prominent than the positive feelings you try to have. Yesterday was that day for me. From the moment I woke up, I just felt “off”. By noon, I was a weeping mess as I felt the stress of the last couple of months, anxiety about the future, and feeling like I couldn’t give my all to the important people in my life that needed me. I always want to be there for my friends and family in a time of need, and I felt that I was giving them the minimal amount of attention and advice that they deserved.

Something I personally struggle with is this idea of “perfection”. I feel like I need to be the one that constantly has it together for everyone else, is always positive, makes other people laugh, balances having a social life, job, and maintaining friendships easily, and deals with things on my own to not bother other people.  When I achieve all these things “successfully”, then I feel that I am being the “perfect” version of myself. So what does this “perfect” person look like under the surface? I am emotionally and physically drained because no where in there is a component that involves taking care of myself.

When the breakdown occurred yesterday, I did something that is rare for me. A trusted friend asked me how my day was and instead of answering “Great! or Fine!” like normal, I was honest. I explained that the day was hard, that I was struggling, and that I was feeling negative feelings about the day. This person listened to me speak without interrupting, let me express my feelings no matter how ridiculous I felt, and offered honest advice to me whenever I asked for it.

What was surprising to me was how therapeutic this small talk really was. By letting out my emotions and not bottling them in, I let myself acknowledge them, grieve them, cry alongside someone, get some outside perspective of the situation, and really feel everything I had repressed. I was exhausted last night from the amount I had cried and the weight I had unloaded off my chest, but I woke up today feeling lighter than I have in months. 

Whether it is talking to a friend, writing in a journal, doing your favorite sport, reading a book, or anything else that makes you happy, always plan some time for self-care. It can be five minutes a day or an hour a day. It can be as simple as waking up 5 minutes earlier to sit in bed and reflect on the day, or going to bed 5 minute later to write down the negatives and positives of your day. Because in order to live a full, happy life you have to be able to embrace everything that is thrown at you. Although brokenness is a component of life, we want to try to prevent painful moments/episodes from occurring when we can.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Nostalgia Can Be A Cruel Thing.

“From an evolutionary point of view, most emotions – fear, desire, anger – serve some practical purpose, but nostalgia is a useless, futile thing because it is a longing for something that is permanently lost.”- David Nicholls

 I can confidently say that my relationship with my first love is and will forever be a closed chapter in my book of life. We are recently able to “be friends” (aka not leaving places if we run into the other one and sometimes even have a friendly conversation to check on each other). We do not communicate frequently and I have no desire to. I have grieved the loss of him as a best friend, as a boyfriend, and as a person that I thought would always be a vital aspect of my life. It’s not that one day I woke up and was just “over him” and “all healed” of the situation because I don’t think I will ever be 100% over it. But as the days passed on, acceptance of the end of us slowly started to progress until where I am now.

But today, I was walking down this sidewalk into school when I got slammed with a moment of nostalgia (I’m talking take your breath away, stop you dead in your tracks slapped in the face). It was this silly memory of us during the fall playing tag outside. I remember the bright colors of the leafs, how time seemed to be standing still, and how my face hurt from laughing. We scream sang lyrics from our favorite song, danced and threw around leaves, and I remember looking at him in the moment and being so grateful for who he was and what we had.

As I am replaying this in my head on the sidewalk today, I was hit with this feeling of longing for him. So badly I wanted to go back to a time when that is who we were. We were the young, happy, madly in love couple that everyone was jealous of.

But there is no going back and we are not those people anymore. This is why nostalgia can be so cruel. It takes you back to a happy time and shows you a scene of what used to be. It is incredibly hard to not want to run back to a person or experience when your brain replays some of the happiest memories you have ever had with someone.

I guess when this happens, the only thing we can do is allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come to us. I am sad today, over the loss of him in my life and the fact that I won’t create happy memories like that with him again. I do not want to be with him, but that doesn’t mean that I will never miss him. My heart is heavy today with the thoughts of what we could have been, because the love we once shared could have lit a blazing trail of fire in our path.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“When A Person Tells You That You Hurt Them, You Don’t Get To Decide That You Didn’t.”

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”- Louis C.K.

Our ability to communicate with other people using language is a vital necessity. Humans crave companionship and need to feel as if they are not alone by connecting to someone or something. If you look at the grand idea of things, it is pretty incredible that our species is able to produce sounds, connect these sounds together to create a word that we assigned meaning to, and finally convey a message that another human being is able to understand.

The downfall with language is that every message is perceived by a different individual, meaning that the interpretation of a specific message may vary depending on the listener. I can say the same sentence in the exact same way, like the same tone of voice and loudness, to two different people and they could interpret my sentences as two completely different meanings. As a speaker, I could say the sentence, “Look I found a dog.” One listener might interpret my message as an excited, “Look I found a dog!” Another listener might interpret my message as a panicked, “Look I found a dog.”, that could possibly be injured and need help.

This is why it is so crucial to take the time to communicate clearly with the people who matter in your life. A text message is a great form of communication (I talk to people I care about more than I should using only texts), but it is so easy for a message to get lost in translation. A simple, non-confrontational message can be interpreted as a hateful comment, or the seriousness of a message can get lost without the interpreter hearing the tone of your voice.

No matter how you are communicating (spoken words, texts, emails, etc.) and whether it is intentional or not, sometimes our words hurt others. When this happens, it is time for us to clarify if our message was interpreted correctly and openly discuss the issue. So many nonverbal things go into interpreting someone’s message and can so easily be lost in translation without actually seeing or hearing the individual speak.

On the opposite side, it is not our time to tell them they are being “too sensitive”, brush off their feelings, or tell them they shouldn’t feel like they are feeling. Even if we don’t understand it, their feelings are valid. And if they matter to us enough, we need to discover where the communication breakdown occurred and strive to not let it happen again.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“One Of The Greatest Love Stories We’ll Experience In Life Is With Our Friends.”

“The bond between a girl and her friends is a powerful thing. With all of the emphasis we place on finding the man of our dreams, I think far too many of us lose sight of one of the greatest love stories we’ll experience in life: The one with our friends.”

Being in my 20’s is a peculiar place to be in terms of friendships and relationships. We are at the age that some friends are starting to settle down, get married, and have babies. Other friends still enjoy going out constantly, are single or not in serious relationship, and have no plans for babies anytime soon. Or maybe you are the individual that is a mix of both groups.

I fit into the later group. Although I want to be married with a family in the future, I am not quite ready for that yet. But I am finishing up graduate school, which sadly means my weekends are limited and I am not going out like I used to. Whether you are like me or better relate to a different description above, there is a common theme that I think everyone can agree on.

With everyone’s priorities in life being slightly different, you start to see friendships changing. Friendships that were once before rooted on the idea of going out on weekends now consists of baby/wedding talk. Friends that you made to help keep you sane during your college days are now starting to slip away because you graduated and no longer live in the same city. Regardless of the shift in the dynamics of the friendship, you have to make the effort if they are important to you.

Friendships are easy to build and easy to lose. We can become so caught up in our own busy schedules that we unintentionally lose touch with the people around us. Life puts high demands on us and sometimes it seems impossible, but friendships will be what keeps your world spinning when everything goes wrong. And sadly, it will.

There will be at least one point in your life where you are going to be at your version of rock bottom, and your friends are the people who are going to pull you up. They will show you love when you believe you don’t deserve it, distract you from heartbreak, and hold your hand/wipe your tears through periods of grief. Without them, life will be unbearable.

So I challenge you to send a “thank you” text to a friend who has been there for you, go to dinner with a friend that has been neglected, or simply write someone a “thinking of you” post-it note. You will be amazed at the amount of good one single act of appreciation towards a friend can do.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“People Need to Be Encouraged.”

“People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in – told they are brave, and smart, and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream – and more. Remind each other of this.”- Stacey Jean Speer

In this day and age, our lives are so easily made public. Even if you are an individual who doesn’t have any form of social media (rarity, I know), the odds are that you are at least somewhere on the internet. It can be completely unintentional, like being in the background of a friend/strangers photo, or someone posting something without your knowledge.

With this massive rise in social media, it has brought out the best and worst in people. Unfortunately, we now face people on the internet posting cruel things that they would never say to someone else’s face, and people using their social media attention as a way to measure their worth. Don’t buy into it.

Now, I’m not saying this to take away from cruelty of some internet users and the damage that it can cause. My heart breaks for anyone who has been made to feel like they are inferior or ridiculed by anyone online. But sometimes we forget all of the positive aspects that social media has brought to the world. It has allowed family members to connect/reconnect from all around the world, it gives people an anonymous way to research outlets for help, it has brought awareness to amazing non-profit organizations like To Write Love On Her Arms (if you have no idea what this is, I ask that you please look it up), and it allows resources to explore the world further.

So let’s make a vow to use social media for the extreme good. If you see something struggling online, give them words of encouragement and love. If someone says something cruel to someone online, post a genuine compliment about the person underneath. Use social media as a way to explore your world, discover new dreams, and bring positives to the world. Because social media is not going anywhere anytime soon, but the influence we make can change the way social media is used for good.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“I Am Too Full Of Life To Be Half Loved.”

“I am too full of life to be half loved.”- Ijeoma Umbinyuo

It seems like lately I have been having the same discussion with all my friends in terms of their love life. Every single one is currently putting up with their significant other not treating them like they deserve by being either disloyal, dishonest, or unfaithful. Yet all of them are staying in the relationship.

Now, I understand that there is more to relationships than one bad event, and that people can change and mistakes are made. But the thing I find curious is that most of them say that they are staying because they are “scared they won’t find better” or that their significant other “loves them and love is sticking it out when things go bad”.

To all of my friends (including anyone reading this): You are more than being treated like you are half loved. No matter your past and the mistakes you have made, you are worth someone loving you wholeheartedly and treating you with the respect you deserve. Love is a sacrifice that will consist of trials, but staying with someone because you think you deserve the way they are treating you or because you don’t believe you will find better is not okay. You deserve the fairytale kind of love the makes your heart race. You deserve someone who is willing to show you how much they love you everyday, and you show them how much you love them equally.

You are too full of the great things in life, such as friendships and kindness and loyalty and happiness and forgiveness, to belittle your worth to someone who doesn’t see your sunshine. And if you forget your worth, then it is time to recruit a friend to remind you how great you are. And if you can’t think of a friend to do that for you, then look in the mirror to remind yourself that you are a boss who can conquer the world. And if you can’t convince yourself, then you can recruit me to remind you of how bright your light truly is when you allow yourself to receive what you deserve.

-BrilliantlyAverage

If The Smallest Thing Is What You Accomplish Today, That Is Okay.

“If opening your eyes, or getting out of bed, or holding a spoon, or combing your hair is the daunting Mount Everest you climb today, that is okay.” – Carmen Ambrosio

For a period of time (longer than I want to admit), I was just letting life win. I was stressed, exhausted both physically and mentally, and questioning all the decisions I have made in life thus far. On one particular night, my step father looked at me in the kitchen with my red, puffy face from the many tears I had cried and said something to me very similar to the quote above.

These words were so refreshing and reassuring to a heart that was as heavy as mine. It reminded me that a day consists of millions of tiny triumphs, and accomplishing even the smallest thing is a stepping stone for the bigger things. Slowly, I began to start credit myself for the little things, like only having to hit snooze once in the morning when my alarm went off instead of twice, or starting an assignment one day earlier than I normally would have.

I truly believe this is the time period that my mindset started to turn around. Now, this does not mean that I do not have bad days where I can’t name a single positive thing or let life/stress win. But this did teach me that when my heart starts to get a little dark and feeling heavier than normal, it is time to look back at my day and remember the many little triumphs I accomplished. I may not have finished the huge assignment I really wanted to get done that day, got back a test that I studied my butt off for with a grade that I don’t think is good enough, and had struggles all day that tested my patience, but I did find my cat’s favorite toy, tell my mother I loved her, and got ready that morning in record time. And for now, that is enough.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“You’re A Language That I’m No Longer Fluent In But Still Remember How To Read.”

“You’re a language I’m no longer fluent in but still remember how to read.”- Ashe Vernon

My break up with the first and only man I have ever loved was one of the hardest things I have went through. Me, being the stubborn individual that I am, walked away from him when I witnessed him doing something unfaithful and never spoke to him again. With completely cutting him out of my life cold turkey, I had walked away from my first real relationship with no closure, so many unanswered questions, and a bitterness that ate me alive.

Recently, this person has made a brief appearance back into my life (my friends thought I was joking/went into shock when I finally told them that I saw him ). We finally had the dreadful talk about how we ended, apologies for mistakes that we both made, and laughs over good memories and funny moments we shared. After all this time, I finally got the closure I needed to end the last chapter of us.

While the news of us being in the same room was shocking to everyone else, the ease of being around him was what was a shock to me. I guess when you connect with a person on a deep level, some aspect of that connection will never go away. It was almost like my body was in autopilot mode and quickly remembered the things I had made myself block out when trying to get over him, such as the sound of his laugh, the scream singing/rapping on long drives, and how hard it was for my 5’4 self to keep up when walking next to his 6’5 frame.

After I got home that night, my mind was racing with questions and trying to process the wide range of emotions I felt in just one night. As I have now had time to process and really grasp the shock of seeing him in general, let alone actually speaking to him in such a deep way, my mind still has some questions. If you connect with an individual on a deep level, will that connection ever completely go away? Do I want it go away or do I need to believe that it is going to fade sometime in my life to love that deeply again?

-BrilliantlyAverage

“How Lucky We Are To Be Part Of Something So Big.”

“Oh life, thank you for your beauty. Thank you for reminding me how lucky we are to be part of something so big.”

I cried standing in front of the elephant exhibit at the zoo today.

The first thing you must know is that I’m obsessed with elephants. I have been since I was a little girl, and my love for this animal grows as I age. But today, I was standing in front of these incredibly majestic animals watching this momma elephant with her baby and I was overwhelmed with this feeling of gratitude. I kept thinking how blessed I was to be standing there witnessing an animal close up that I truly love with friends who am I grateful for.

These last two years have been hard, and I am not going to pretend they haven’t been. I have been knocked down to be kicked again before I could even stand back up. There are times when I have immediately stood back up to keep fighting, and there are times that I have stayed down for longer than I should have before convincing myself to start clawing my way back up again.

But I got up. And today, I was thankful for these hard times and experiences because I don’t think I would have had the reaction I did in front of that elephant exhibit. These hard times have taught me that it is completely valid to be thankful for the small things in life, like seeing your favorite animal at the zoo or hanging out with friends who make you laugh. Life is too short to take anything for granted, and maybe these small blessings are the ticket to an overall incredible life.

Moral: If you really open your eyes, you can find a miracle in each day. Today, witnessing a momma elephant protect her baby was mine.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“You’re Not Weak.”

“This would be hard for you if were weak but you’re not weak.”-Anne Carson

I would describe myself as a “curious” human in regards to people and their stories. I am mesmerized when learning of individual’s trials and triumphs through life and the inner strength required of them to make it out on the other side. I admire strength in all forms, whether it be the strength required to get over either an extreme emotional pain or a physical injury that makes me cringe just by hearing it.

In most scenarios, I think we as humans underestimate the strength required in our own situations and situations with others. I can vent to anyone in my family about how difficult graduate school is (don’t worry because I do this on the daily), but they will never be able to conceptualize my true struggle. They can vent to me about their job, personal issues, or finances and I  unintentionally may not grasp the real emotional toll it is taking them to overcome it. Yet we all overcome them.

We are not alone, and by human nature we need a companion. Therefore, it is okay to vent and if that is a healthy outlet for you then awesome. If you are more of an individual who wants to cope on their own, you can also write in a journal, shout from the mountaintops, or take “30 second dance break” as many times as needed. But you are stronger than you think. You will, with or without someone there, make it through your struggles like the warrior that you are. You are not weak, and you will be amazed at what you can/have conquered when you look back on it later.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“You Attract The Right Things When You Have A Sense Of Who You Are.”

“You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.”- Amy Poehler

I firmly believe your 20’s are a time that you are figuring out who you are, making “mistakes” (just mini life lessons that make us better people), and a time to experiment with our look, attitude, and ideas. This critical time period allows us to figure out the things that we love, things that we hate, things that we will never accept from others in a friendship/relationship, and how to be the best version of ourselves for others.

I am the type of person who is constantly scared of what other people think of me and strongly fear rejection/failure. Therefore, I am always too scared to try new things and new experiences in fear of judgment or being embarrassed. But as I stood at the top of this mountain, looking at the Arizona sunset with some of my best friends, I realized I was missing the entire point of existing in my 20’s.

Life isn’t about “being the best” or “never being judged or embarrassed” because those things are guaranteed part of life. Once you accept the fact that it will happen to everyone way more than once, it becomes a less scary thought. I have spent the early part of my 20’s watching other people try really cool things or have a really cool style I would want to try. Instead, I say things to myself like, “You couldn’t pull that off.” or “You have never tried that and you would suck and embarrass yourself.” But how do I actually know if I would suck or I couldn’t pull of that style? Maybe I will try a new experience and laugh at my awfulness and move on. Or maybe I will try something new and it will become a new passion/style of mine.

My point here is to try anything and everything whenever possible. And if you get judged, who cares. People will always talk about people and we can not control that. What we can control is the positivity, warmth, and openness out into the world in hopes that some of our light will encourage others to feel free enough to step out of their box and experience new things as well.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“Some Names Will Always Taste Bitter.”

“Some names will always taste bitter.”

No matter who you are or the kind of life you try to lead, there will always be that one person (e.g. significant other, best friend turned enemy, or coworker who has it out for you) that you just don’t necessarily like. It could be someone who just simply annoys you and you don’t really have a true reason for the dislike, or it could be the love of your life cheating on you with your best friend.

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day and how I get bitter just by hearing a certain name. At one point in my life this person meant everything to me, and now I can’t even look at him if he enters the same room. So, the important point of this conversation was when I was trying to explain to her that you can be over someone and still have some sort of bitter feelings towards them.

I am bitter. I am not bitter because he has “moved on”, seems to be happy, and is living life. I am bitter because of the hurt that he caused me, the future plans that I had to accept would never occur, and the trust that was destroyed by someone who I would have bet my life would never destroy it. I am bitter, but I do not have feelings towards this person in a romantic way anymore. If he came back to my doorstep right now and apologized for everything that happened and wanted me back, I still wouldn’t be with him.

You can be bitter about a name or a situation and not let the feelings “run your life”. Sometimes, a situation is too much to deal with emotionally and the bitter aftertaste will forever be in your heart. I encourage anyone that is reading this to do whatever grieving/coping you need to try to make the situation easier for yourself. But you can be over a situation and forever have some sort of bitterness, and that is something I wish someone would have told me in the start of this entire grieving process.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“I Go To Nature To Be Soothed And Healed”

 “I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.”-John Burroughs
I’m currently on a vacation to Arizona and California to visit friends, and I was lucky enough to witness this sunset in person. Unfortunately, the picture gives no justice to how truly beautiful the sky was from the top of the mountain, the way the city lights glowed from below, or the amount of times the view took my breath away.

As I really looked out at the view for the first time, I had a real moment of clarity. I get so lost and stressed about trivial things, and this view/perspective was a huge moment to realize how small we really are. In the grand scheme of life, we are the one out of the thousand of tiny lights shown. But when those tiny lights come together, they were big sections of bright, beautiful light. In life we may be such a small piece to the puzzle, yet we are a vital piece when we are together.

Moral: You are not alone, even if you feel alone. Your existence and mark on this world make up a big bright light that would much more fun without you. And if you ever feel lost or unworthy, find perspective. 

-BrilliantlyAverage

You Can Be Sensitive And Strong.

“I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken.”-Glennon Doyle Melton

In my group of friends, I am known as the “unemotional one”. I don’t break down in front of people and crying is a rare thing for me. I don’t like to acknowledge when I am hurting or sad. Instead, I have this constant “poker face” that I put on in every situation.

In reality, I am actually a very sensitive person. I get my feelings hurt by stupid things and I get disappointed/sad when people don’t live up to the expectations I have for them more than I would ever actually admit. This is who I am, so why do I feel the need to hide it?

For a long time, I thought having emotion “made you weak”. By being this “strong, unemotional, no feelings person”, I thought I was being a strong woman. In reality, I have learned that the strongest woman I know are fearlessly themselves. They face hard times head on and grieve them. Because they allow themselves to feel their emotions, which may be laughing one moment, crying the next, plotting revenge on a jerk ex-boyfriend that you would never actually carry through with, or eating a tub of ice cream with no shame, they are going to eventually be able to move past it.

Having a “hard exterior” and avoiding everything just prolongs the “moving on” process. Although it can be hard (trust me, I know how hard it can truly be), you have to let yourself feel the wide range of emotions that demand to be felt. If you were born a sensitive individual, it is not something to be ashamed of. You can be sensitive and strong.

-BrilliantlyAverage

You Force Yourself To Get Up and You Refuse To Let It Get To You.

“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and gosh darn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.”- Elizabeth Taylor

As much as we are told to love and focus on the positives of life, the negatives exist. Most people tell you to constantly just focus on the positives to get over the negatives, but I disagree. In order to really move past the negatives (or at least make them manageable), you need to address them and grieve them as much as you need.

I’ve never understood why people say things to others like, “You need to get over it. You could have it much worse. You need to suck it up and move on now.” I agree that the negatives shouldn’t be the sole focus of life or that the negative energy shouldn’t run someone’s life, but who are we to tell others how they should be feeling and to what degree they should feel them.

No matter how hard it is, you have to deal with it. Some days the most significant battle you can fight is just getting out of bed, and if that is you then I applaud you for your courage and great work. Other days, the decision to ask for help or to confront your negative is what you have chosen to do, and if that is you then I also applaud you for your courage and great work. No matter how big or small your negative is, making a choice to start grieving it is a positive step in the right direction. I think that small detail alone is so crucial to moving past a negative experience.

As the quote says above, you do what you need to do in your own way to move past something. If that is scream into a pillow and cry it out, do it. If that is talking to your best friend over a tub of ice cream, do it. If it is writing in a journal, screaming it from a mountain top, finding a new hobby to channel your energy into, or doing something that will inspire you, then do it. The negatives make us who we are and having to confront them makes us stronger human beings. Without the negatives, we don’t appreciate the beautiful, good moments of life. But these negatives should not cripple us for too long. We are strong, determined humans who want to change the world for the better. The negatives in life teach us compassion and experience to accomplish that. And that in itself is finding a positive in a negative situation.

–BrilliantlyAverage

“The Main Thing In Life Is Not To Be Afraid To Be Human.”

“The main thing in life is not to be afraid to be human.”- Pablo Casals

Yesterday I cried in the bathroom at work because I served a table of two elderly people who had been together for 50 years. This is bizarre scenario for me because I am not an emotional person when it comes to love. I am cynical and have limited patience for my friends that can jump from love to love because I don’t understand it. I try to avoid emotions and feelings at all costs and don’t let anyone in romantically.

But why am I so guarded? Do I think I’m winning some imaginary contest in “Who can avoid feelings/be so guarded that they will never find love?” Because at the end of the day, I am actually the only person hurting by being too afraid to give and receive love. I’m scared. I’m scared of heartbreak, a failed relationship, and someone leaving me.

But we are human. We were born to have the full range of emotions while we have triumphant and suffering moments. We were born resilient to whatever life throws at us (and this means having the ability to ask for help/use help whenever we deem it necessary). We are born strong, and our strength is more than we can ever imagine until it is needed. We are born with this gut feeling that can steer us in the right direction if we are willing to trust ourselves enough to follow it. We are born with compassion towards others which inspires volunteer movements and organizations from individuals that change the world.

My best piece of advice for anyone reading this (and myself): Be human. Be so human that you feel every emotion that you want to feel without bottling anything up inside. Ask for help when it is needed but know that you can conquer anything life throws at you. Know that no matter the situation, life goes on and you will make it through the toughest times. Always trust your gut instinct because it has never steered me wrong yet, which requires us to recognize the difference between a gut instinct or just fear that may be holding us back. Show compassion to others when listening to their story and then do something about it when you can. Help anyone and everyone (within reason) without asking for anything in return because we are all human and deserve the same basic things.

-BrilliantlyAverage

“How Do You Go Back To Being Strangers With Someone Who Has Seen Your Soul?”

“How do you go back to being strangers with someone who has seen your soul?”- A Question That Bleeds, Nikita Gill 

I am out with friends at a bar 45 minutes from home to celebrate the completion of my first year of grad school. This bar is absolutely packed full of people who I have never seen. I turned around to say something to a friend and there he was. In the sea of people who I have never seen and most likely will never see again, he was there and my heart hit the floor.

The sayings about “a heart dropping or falling into your stomach” were always funny to me until I experienced it. Now, I completely understand it. In that split second, it was like my body reacted in autopilot. He looked and smiled with the girl that he cheated with, and I gave a half-smile and turned away. I think it took me a couple of minutes to process what had happened and for the shock to wear off before my emotions hit me (thankfully) because he did not see a reaction from me at all. But when all of the shock faded, I was sad. It was like I was punched in the gut and the wind had been knocked from me.

Isn’t it funny how life works? You think you are over the hurt and then you run into them when you honestly did not even expect it to be a possibility and it rocks you to the core. I think the reason that it got me so much was that I was not even prepared for the possibility that I would run into him, unlike the mental preparation required for me to go out to a bar back home.

The difficulty with him and the entire situation is that he will never be a stranger. He is the only person in the entire world that knows some of my secrets, knows how to react to each emotion and situation when I’m stressed, that I have to put mustard on top of the cheese and not the bread on a sandwich, and that I cry every time I see an elephant at the zoo because I am so obsessed. And a year later, I am giving him a half-smile and barely making eye contact with him in a bar. It’s a lot to handle, and we shouldn’t have to be ashamed of that. Heartbreak is real and has no time limit, and man does it hurt like hell.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Loving Someone Who’s The Ocean.

“I guess that’s the thing with loving someone who’s the ocean. You either stay and drown, or leave with water in your lungs.”

The hardest thing to do is be in love with someone and walk away. The worst thing to do is not walk away from someone who is an “ocean”. When I think of a certain “ocean” person I know, I used to describe his love by referring to the actual ocean. Like a current, so powerful and demanding that the determined current does not stop or start on any terms other than its own. And like the ocean, he could be calm, beautiful, and soothing with very few waves. But when there was a time that he could not control a situation or was not happy about the situation, he was a hurricane. Loud, destructive, terrifying, and manipulated anything in his path.

The real ocean is a beautiful mystery. We only know surface information about it and have so much more to learn. The same exact thought can be applied to people. We know a lot about the “surface” of someone, such as their appearance, voiced opinions, and the way they interact with other individuals when you are present. We do not know what makes them tick, their fears, and how they handle extreme stress or anger. If someone matters to you, figure that out. And quickly.

If you discover that someone in your life may be an “ocean”, leave. Just like the real ocean, we can still love it from afar. I don’t have to be at the beach swimming everyday to still admire and love it from my small town in the Midwest. And just like that, you can still feel certain feelings for someone but protect yourself by distancing from them.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Stop Worrying About Finding Love Again.

“You have to stop worrying about finding love again. It will come when it comes. Get comfortable with being alone. It will empower you.”- Jonathan Tropper

After a breakup occurs and a relationship is over for good, there is always that awkward thought of someone in the previous relationship moving on to a new relationship with someone else. I understand that it actually shouldn’t matter whether it is you or your ex that moves on first when the relationship is over, but when my ex moved on to a new relationship before me, it hurt.

However, when I reflect on all of the reasons why it hurt me that he had moved on, most of them actually had nothing to do with me. Of course a part of my heart was broken because him moving on made the ending final, but most of my thoughts consisted of worrying about other people’s opinions. I worried about if other people thought I couldn’t get over him/was too devastated to date somebody else. I was worried that I was going to look like this pathetic girl who was waiting around for him to maybe come back to me.

This is not a fair thing to do to ourselves. When the timing is right, we will find someone who is right for us. If you happen to find that someone first, good for you. If your ex happens to find that someone first, well good for them. The fact that either you or your ex moved on to a new relationship first is actually such a trivial thing. Everyone operates on their own time, and each individual person grieves a breakup differently. With that being said, you do not have to justify to anyone whether you decide to stay single for 8 years, or whether you move on to someone new 1 day later, because their opinions really do not matter.

-BrilliantlyAverage

People Who Don’t Fit In A Box.

“I like messy people; people who don’t fit in a box or stay between the lines, but whose integrity is greater than any rule book and whose loyalty is stronger than blood.”- Jim Wern

One major growth I have recognized in myself this past year is the constant craving I have for spontaneity in all aspects of life. I have made new friends who I would very much consider spontaneous people. I have booked trips to visit friends with half of the amount of time that I would usually spend contemplating spending my hard-earned savings. I am more open to trying to new things, and constantly researching new adventures that I can add to my quickly growing bucket list.

This is such a big and important change for me. I have always been so worried about being in control and being perfect that I never allowed myself the opportunity to let go. This new spontaneity in my life has allowed me to find pleasure in things that I would have never been introduced to before. I discovered that I actually liked going to the rock climbing gym, that my “crazy friends” will be undeniably “crazy” even to just protect me in any situation, and that a comfort zone is just an excuse I made for myself because I was scared of failure.

I dare anyone reading this to do something completely spontaneous, no matter how large or small the situation is. If you wouldn’t usually say hello to that cute guy/girl at the bar, do it. If you have always wanted to do a half marathon but you’ve been scared of the training, do it. If you have been wanting to go visit your out of town friends for a long time but you’ll have to live off Ramen Noodles for a month to afford it, do it.

These spontaneous memories are the ones that we will look back on someday. Make sure you have enough memories to reflect on for a lifetime.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Heartbreak and the Rest of the World.

“When you hurt somebody who loves you it’s not your betrayal you should be sorry for. The pain you’ve inflicted will be severe but it will pass. No, the cruellest legacy you can leave on a person is the crippling belief that the rest of the world is as selfish and disloyal as you.”-Beau Taplin

Your first love is such a different, powerful love compared to other loves. That doesn’t mean that the love that you have after your first love is not a strong love or a better love for you. But your first love is the kind of love you jump into 100% because you do not know the excruciating pain of heartbreak. It is the first time you have discovered what it is like to experience these feelings and that level of passion towards another human being.

To describe my first love, it went from a fairytale to truly exhausting. And that heartbreak changed who I am. I am so cautious with people and I make sure that I do not get attached to one single person. I built my walls up so high that I’m going to need a mountain climber someday to hopefully reach the top of that wall.

I set up all these defenses for myself because I am terrified that every single other relationship will end up like my first love. I have robbed myself of fun dates and new relationships because I am blaming everyone for my past relationship’s mistakes.

Just because I failed at love once does not mean that I don’t deserve it again. Just because I was hurt once does not mean that I will be hurt every time. Just because I’m scared does not mean that I shouldn’t give worthy people a chance to show me love again.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Holding A Grudge.

“Holding a grudge and harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people, but not those who have hurt us. Forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.”- Steve Maraboli

If there was a world record for holding a grudge, I think I could be in the running to win the title. When I get hurt, I completely shut down and block off anything/anyone who has hurt me. I don’t talk about it, and I try not to even think about it. It is my defense mechanism, but it is a lousy one.

It has taken me a long time to realize that the only person hurting in the grudge holding is me. In most cases, the person you are holding the grudge against has had some kind of conflict with you or flat out just doesn’t like you. If that is the case, they could probably care less what you think about them. Just like you don’t really care about their issues with you.

Holding grudges is a dark, toxic thing. It can change a positive person’s outlook into a negative perspective in seconds. It can make the heart dark and full of anger. Without trying to sound dramatic, it can literally change a person for the worst.

With this realization, I have made a vow to try to let my grudges go. I’m not perfect, and dropping a long-term grudge will not happen overnight. However, letting go of a grudge does not mean you have to become friends with this person. It just simply means that they do not have the immense amount of control on you that they had before. You don’t have to talk to this person or even look at them whenever you see them. But letting go of this grudge will make peace within yourself, and you deserve it.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Once The Storm Is Over.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”- Haruki Murakami

For every difficult situation in my life, I never really grasped the magnitude of the situation until it was over. Whether it was extreme stress, death, personal tragedy, or even heartbreak, I knew that the situation was not ideal. I felt pain, guilt, or emptiness, but it isn’t until weeks or months later that I really grasped the situation and the outcomes they had made on me.

When I think about these hard situations, I agree with the quote above. I don’t really remember the day-to-day details. I remember certain “significant” moments, such as the moment I started to feel an emotion instead of emptiness, or the moment that I really cried about the situation for the first time. But I don’t remember the little details that in the end helped me “out of the storm”.

I have said before, life is about human growth. But what happens when a situation makes you take two steps back in your growth process? Certain events in life we try to rationalize, and it is certainly a normal thing to become bitter when we can’t justify the event. The quote above says that we never leave the storm the same as we entered it, and I completely agree. It can take years of work to change a negative situation/thought, and one single event to undo everything you have ever worked for.

We never leave a situation the same as we entered it. I guess all we can do as humans is to try to leave the situation with the most positive perspective we can possible find.

-BrilliantlyAverage

You Are A Fierce Sea.

“You must not reduce yourself to a puddle just because the person you like is afraid to swim and you are a fierce sea to them; because there will be someone who was born with love of the waves within their blood, and they will look at you with fear and respect.”-T.B. LaBerge

If you have read any of my previous posts, you will know that I always start my posts off with a quote. From that alone, you may infer that I have a deep love for quotes. I believe a huge reason for this is because I grew up being a trained dancer, and connected to words and lyrics is something I started doing at a young age.

Around the holidays, my social media sites have been flooded with engagements, pregnancies, and weddings. I am 22 years old, and at the age where I am not yet a kid or a real adult. I am figuring out who I am and the person I want to be. But that being said, I will admit I started to feel a tad bit jealous of the “perfect life” of my peers I was witnessing on social media.

I am not in a relationship, done with graduate school, or really have my life as of now figured out. I am striving to grow and change, but like every other human I have a lot of work to do. But this quote gave me hope. It reminded me that you can’t rush the good things in life, and timing really is everything. No matter what you believe in, some power or force places things in our life exactly when they should be.  I do not have to try to rush things, make things work that are not right for me, or worry about the time limit I have set up for myself. The great things in life really are worth the wait.

-BrilliantlyAverage

New.

“Always remember to keep it real with yourself. Even when it’s hard to keep it real with the world, keep it real with yourself.” -Nicki Minaj

As cliché as they may be, I have always liked the idea behind New Years Resolutions. The reason being that we are usually bluntly honest about our life goals or dreams without any reservation. People tend to be more upfront about their desires because they can mask their vulnerability by saying that it is just a resolution. But in that moment, they declare exactly what they wish would happen. Therefore, you can get to know a little more about someone’s intimate thoughts and desires.

This is why I don’t get why people are negative about others New Years Resolutions. An individual at my work yesterday made a comment saying, “Ugh, I hate going to the gym after the holidays because all of the New Years Eve Resolution people just take up space.” Another individual made a comment stating, “New Years Eve Resolutions are pathetic attempts for people to fail at goals.” These are completely negative way to look at a New Years Resolution.

I wanted to remind them that sometimes just admitting your thoughts or goals to yourself or another is a huge step. Sometimes, just figuring out a goal or thought in itself is a resolution and shouldn’t be discredited. Sometimes, it may take many years of resolutions for an individual to accomplish their goal. Either way, I applaud anyone who has a New Years Resolution, no matter how big, small, accomplished, or failed, simply for recognizing a way they can grow as a human being.

The New Year signifies a new start or beginning if we chose to let it happen. I’m making many life changes in 2015. I will strive to be a better human being to anyone and everyone. To have more patience with myself and others. To have an acceptance within myself that I have never been able to find. And finally, to be more spontaneous and not always have to view everything with perfectionist eyes.

-BrilliantlyAverage

What They Are Running From, And To, And Why.

“All humans should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.”- James Thurber

Everyone deals with emotion in many different ways. Some people strive in high stress situations, and are truly the best version of themselves when put in less than ideal situations. Others crack under pressure and run from their problems to avoid facing them. Unfortunately, I connect more with the second group than the first.

Running from your problems is never the answer, but either is running to something or someone. Having an individual who is there for you is a wonderful thing, but we need to learn to be independent rather than co-dependent on a certain individual. I have attachment issues, and therefore when I let someone into my life I become immediately attached to their presence. However, I am working on recognizing why I run from something or towards something in an effort to face the real issue head on.

Life is self-discovery. It is learning from our triumphs, mistakes, and experiences and taking the positive out of all three scenarios. If you win a race, why did you win this time compared to the time you lost? If you got an “A” on an exam, what made this exam different from the others? If you failed in a relationship, what did you learn from this relationship that you didn’t know before? Putting life into perspective and recognizing why we act the way we do can only make us better human beings. Therefore, our contributions to this world can only be better than before.

-BrilliantlyAverage

Alive Is A Grand Thing.

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”-Agatha Christie

To continuously grow as humans, I believe we need constant reality checks. At this point in my life, I have spent the majority of my time focusing on the small things. Things such as my job, grades, and friendships do hold some importance. However, I can’t control every situation that life throws at me. Because of this constant need for control, I have seemed to unconsciously lose sight of the bigger picture over time.

I have never agreed with anyone that tries to dim down another individual’s problems by saying things such as, “____ has it so much worse than you or think about ____ and realize your issues have no merit.” We were born with the ability to feel emotions for a reason. What might be a “5/10” on the pain scale for me could be considered a “10/10” for another individual. Because we are not able to interpret the exact emotional functioning of another human, we have no right to judge another individual’s emotions, and we have no right to try to mask an emotion that we feel.

Being alive is beautiful. Having the ability to feel emotions is beautiful. Reminding yourself that the struggles will lead to an overall better bigger life picture is beautiful. Re-reminding yourself of your overall big picture is beautiful. Even struggle itself is beautiful because without it we would not know how wonderful success feels.

-BrilliantlyAverage